Archive for April, 2009

Two dwarfs in Amsterdam

Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Amsterdam. At the hotel bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE…HUH!, ONE, TWO, THREE…HUH! All bloody night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.

The second dwarf shook his head. You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed!

 Two dwarfs in Amsterdam

Roger is a hard worker

Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?” His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. “No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?” His wife’s eyes widen. “You must come here a lot!” “No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger! A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”

 Roger is a hard worker

A very shitty beer is Schlitz

Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it? The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”. You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

 A very shitty beer is Schlitz

Cheating wife

Thursday, April 16th, 2009
share save 256 24 Cheating wife

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How did you die?” says the second.

“I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

 Cheating wife

Snowboard jokes

Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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Why are most snowboard jokes one liners?

So the skiers can understand them.

 Snowboard jokes

Snowboarder Joke

Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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One snowboarder turns to the other and says, “Hey Dude, guess what! I got a new snowboard for my wife!” 

The second boarder looks over his shoulder, and says, “Hey man, nice swap!”

 Snowboarder Joke

Spam – send it to this email address.

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
share save 256 24 Spam   send it to this email address.

Spam – send it to this email address:

john@tomjonestributeshow.com

And if you want to book the ‘actual Tom Jones Tribute’ that is pictured, awarded, shown and listed on this “John Prescott’s” web site (yes, it isn’t John Prescott!), then you need the ‘proper and real Tom Jones Tribute lookalike/soundalike; namely Ian Scott.

The real Ian Scott (the genuine article), with all the awards and reputation John Prescott claims to have (but hasn’t), can be found and booked at www.alias-diamondandjones.com

The lovely chap, John Prescott (what a dreadful fat and useless Labour Government stage name, eh?) likes ripping off my clients works and achievements. So add him to your list now please. Grazie tanto John Prescott – get some unsolicited email protection fast.

 Spam   send it to this email address.

Blondes!

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home

 Blondes!

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
share save 256 24 A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Chris Tarrant: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Chris Tarrant: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?

Is it……..

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”

“I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%…

No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Chris Tarrant, just to be sure.

Chris Tarrant: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”

Chris Tarrant: “Hello Maggie, its Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush”

Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Chris Tarrant: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Chris Tarrant: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Chris Tarrant: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Chris Tarrant: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

 A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Tom Jones Tribute

Sunday, April 12th, 2009
share save 256 24 Tom Jones Tribute

Tom Jones Tribute singer Ian Scott is the best Tom Jones Tribute show around!

 Tom Jones Tribute

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