Tim Wade's Blog

An old Italian lived alone just outside London.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.  That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, hundreds of security officials, and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.  
Love you,
Vinnie

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This is a real tough one!!
This test only has one
question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will
discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely
fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that
your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and
give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION: You are in London There
is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a
flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major
newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation
is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are
houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature
is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST: Suddenly, you see a man
in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
debris. You move closer… Somehow, the man looks familiar… You suddenly
realise who it is………. ……… ……… ……… ……… ………
….. ………… …….It’ s Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza (the hook handed
bastard) You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic
Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the country’s most despised,
evil and powerful men!
THE QUESTION: Here’s the question, and please give an
honest answer… Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go
with the classic simplicity of black and white?

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God went to the Arabs and said,
“I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.”

The Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?”
And the Lord said, “They are rules for living..”

“Can you give us an example?”

“Thou shall not kill.”

“Not kill?    We’re not interested.”

So He went to the Blacks and said, “I have Commandments.”

The Blacks  wanted an example, and the Lord said,
“Honor thy Father and Mother.”

“Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.    We’re not interested.”

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 
“I have Commandments.”

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said “Thou shall not steal.”

“Not steal?    We’re not interested.”

Then He went to the French and said,
“I have Commandments.”

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, “Thou shall not commit adultery.”

“Not commit adultery?   We’re not interested.” 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
“I have Commandments.”

“Commandments?” They said, “How much are they?”

“They’re free.”

“We’ll take 10.”

There, that should offend just about everybody !!!

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1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.  

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This is too true to be funny.

The  next time you hear a politician use the
Word ‘billion’ in a casual  manner, think about
Whether you want the ‘politicians’  spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to  comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting  that figure into some perspective in
One of it’s  releases.

A.
A  billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A  billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A  billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone  Age.

D.
A  billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A  billion Pounds ago was only
13 hours and 12 minutes,
At  the rate our government
Is spending it.

Building  Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Value Added Tax
Corporate  Income Tax
Income Tax
Fishing License  Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Petrol/Diesel  Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory  Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage  License Tax
Property Tax
Stamp Duty Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road  Tax 
   Local  Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales  Tax 
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL  THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not  one of these taxes existed 100 years ago…
And our nation was one of the most  prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national  debt…
We had the largest middle class in the world…
And  Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What  happened?
Can you spell ‘politicians!’

I  hope this goes around the
UK
At least  100 times

What  the hell happened?????
Gordon Brown !!!

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WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

“And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993″!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL  FRIENDS  & RELATIONS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos…
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on a Sunday, somehow we didn’t starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time…

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn’t need to keep up with the Jones’s!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren’t concentrating .
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R’s education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’ and ‘Blade’ and ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

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