Tim Wade's Blog

Whenever I’m choosing a fine wine from the supermarket, I always ask myself ‘How much would Antony Worral Thompson pay for this?’

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I hope Anthony Worrall Thompson can’t see what I’ve written about him today.

I don’t want him stealing any of my jokes.

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I saw Antony Worrall Thompson in the street today, so I decided to ask him for his autograph.

“Yeah, no problem” he smiled. “Have you got a pen?”

“Fuck off Antony, I’m not falling for that old chestnut mate.”

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrall Thompson’s Jacket.

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Antony Worrall Thompson.

Sticky fingers, even when he’s not making cakes.

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There’s no such thing as a free lunch.
Unless you’re using the Anthony Worrall Thompson recipe book.

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Who will win this year’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here?

That Mark Wright is quite popular, but I reckon Fatima Whitbread’s the man.

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Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I pleaded.
“Well, what is it then?” she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
“A woman,” I replied.

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Ant: Well people the good news is that this Bush Tucker Trial involves one of you eating a penis.

Dec: The bad news is it belongs to Fatima Whitbread.

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The only feminine thing about Fatima Whitbread is her pink bellend.

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You’ve got to admire Fatima Whitbread for her bravery in going into the jungle.

She’s certainly got balls!

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Whats the heaviest thing in the jungle?

Fattima whitbreads testicles

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After watching Mark pass his challenge on ‘I’m a Celebrity’ tonight, I think it’s pretty clear who the alpha male of the group is.

Fatima Whitbread.

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Fatima Whitbread.

Proving I would wank to Susan Boyle

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What’s the worst bush-tucker trial imaginable?

Eating out Fatima Whitbread.

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Fatima Whitbread has decided to change her name to something a little more English.

Steve!

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Please feel free to submit your own Fatima  Whitbread jokes in the comments below. Thanks

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Pat Condell speaks about the London Riots 2011, UK – Godless Comedy. If there is one thing I love about Pat Condell, it’s his “I don’t give a toss” attitude to speaking the truth, with total ridicule of any government/organisation he’s taking the piss out of. Totally dry, totally sarcastic. Excellent.

Check out his lastest video on the London riots of 2011 in the UK:

You can keep up to date with Pat Condell’s Blog and his “humour” on his blog
!

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FIRST: Please invite any “NOBS” you might have on your facebook friends list onto the “I like my family and friends on FB, except you. Cos you’re just a Nob” page. Or join the page and then just tag them in a post on there with a personal message. Join the page and let’s all have a laugh!

Jokes about the UK Riots in 2011 (August) starting in Tottenham, London – just incase anyone missed any of them:

Haloumi Kebabs in a lemon basil and garlic marinade, roasted mediterranian vegatable and feta salad with couscous, amorello cherry and almond cream terrine….

I’m not just any looter I’m an M&S Looter

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After rioters loot Carpet Right..Police say Tottenham now has Rug dealers on every street corner..

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?”Yeah man, we is ,living in such poverty, i is going to go out and riot and ting cos i is so disadvantaged and opressed”

Via Facebook for iPhone

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I wish I was poor enough to have a Blackberry to organise a riot!

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The rioters broke into Highbury police station and stole all the toilets.

Police have nothing to go on.

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A Police station in Huddersfield got broken into last night and looters stole all of their Satnavs.

Police are now looking for Leeds

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Fucking scrotes and chavs, destroying our community and giving our country a bad name for no reason!

And all this on my birthday too! Makes me sick!

On a brighter note, id like to take this opportunity to thank my uncle terrell for the 42″ plasma and new pair of trainers. Being on minimum wage, i cant imagine how hard you had to work to be able to afford all that for me. If only these other chavs would follow your example.

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Manchester police say the looters are not from Manchester.
Hmm, they must be United fans then?

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I am guessing all the starving Africans won’t give up their £2 a week to help rebuild Britain?

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Three nights with no riots in any Scottish cities.

Conclusive proof that Glaswegians don’t watch the news.

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Following the recent riots across the cities in England… the French have surrendered.

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I was watching the news with my girlfriend last night. “It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right.” I said.

“Yeah, very funny,” she replied. “I Predict A Riot.”

I said, “No… Everyday I Love You Less And Less.”

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During last night’s riots, Paddy and Murphy broke into Ladbrokes and lost £50

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Been out in the riots tonight, best night I’ve had in ages. Just need to clean all the blood off my baton and shield now.

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Why would anyone want to ruin their own country ?

Oh yeah its London, and none of them are in their own country!

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After the riots and looting in Tottenham, Boots did a stock take in their local store….

All that remained was fake tan.

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To be fair I wish everyone would stop stereotyping all of the rioters as niggers. I definitely saw at least one white person on the news and he was just as bad as the rest of them.

He was nearest to the camera and had stolen a Sky News microphone.

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Six shots fired in London, all missed.

Police are looking to question Fernando Torres.

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Unfortunately for the chavs and niggers, you can’t steal gcse’s…

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I’d like to congratulate the rioters on making us even more racist. Well done.

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I saw a black guy carrying a TV down the street yesterday so I smashed him over the head with a shovel.

I’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to Argos and wish their delivery driver a speedy recovery.

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Bad news, the rioting has spread to Ireland.

Poor Paddy has just smashed his laptop screen, after trying to loot ebay.

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Sky News: Police to use Plastic Bullets.

Fuck me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.

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These rioting niggers are a fucking disgrace. Where are their parents when they’re out on the streets causing mayhem?

Oh yeah, in jail.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman …

… had nothing to do with the London riots.

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Can we make sure the “Before” and “After” riot pictures of Croydon are clearly labelled, as it’s confusing to tell which is which?

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?1527 thieving rioting looters shot dead by the Army, many in the back of the head. Over 1000 in hospital with cracked skulls due to baton use by the police. Hundreds of scrotes torn apart by police dogs. The Army are moving in to finish rioters off in affected areas with bayonets, to save tax payers money on bullets. Carlsberg doesn’t do headlines but if they did…..

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Police are using water cannons in London tonight with a touch of persil to stop the coloureds from running.

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Just seen the manager of PC World on the news ranting on about how the thieving black bastards that plundered his store, should have their fucking hands chopped off, or be hung by their dicks from the nearest tree!

Wow! I thought. Now there is a guy who really needs to change the name of his shop.

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Just heard that the Met Police are going to be releasing CCTV footage of all the looting in Tottenham.

Can’t wait to see it in high definition on my new 70″ plasma TV…

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I wonder how many black policemen are praying that all the good stuff isn’t gone before their day off?

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Why are all these people in London behaving like they’re from third world countries?

oh wait a minute……….

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London joins Amy Winehouse and Norway in the growing list of victims of Rupert Murdoch’s “Operation Distraction”.

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3D home entertainment isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Once you get it all set up, you’ll realise that you forgot to rob the glasses.

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I wonder if the first thing David Cameron says to Nick Clegg after coming back early from his holiday is ”I leave you alone for two fucking minutes!!…”

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Gavin from AutoGlass has a right job on his hands now.

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If these riots go on any longer then Libya will be reclassified as a peaceful protest…

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So Cameron wants to stop these riots?

I’ve heard that the Taliban, Iraq and Libya had a pretty efficient way of quelling them – why don’t we ask them?

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Apparently all this rioting is just a side show to hide the news that Britain has now got a woman in charge of parking a battleship!

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News: “Government condemns riots and looting”

Well done government – that’ll sort things out, big style!

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The Kaiser Chiefs must be feeling pretty fucking smug right now.

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Giving Eastenders a miss tonight, bbc news channel is the same but live!

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Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of Scousers will now not travel down for Saturdays Spurs v Everton premiership game,due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen.

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I said to my mate “We’re in the middle of a huge recession, we’ve got Noel Edmonds on TV and we’ve got rioting on the streets of London. It’s like being back in the 80′s”

He said “Yeah, what’s next, Liverpool win the league?”

Oh how we both laughed.

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Say what you like about the Tottenham rioters but at least they made Ross Kemp fuck off from London for a few days.

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I don’t blame those Blacks in north London for going on a looting rampage….

How else are they supposed to make a living now Amy Winehouse isn’t buying skag anymore ?.

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My son just said to me, “Look at all those policemen on the news just standing there, letting the niggers do whatever they want.”

“Now son, I’ve told you before: you can’t say that word anymore, it’s not politically correct.”

“Sorry Dad, I meant police officers.”

Good lad.

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My racist jokes are getting a lot of dislikes today,

It’s almost like 100′s of blacks have all just got a new laptop or something,

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Aaron Lennon takes it on his chest and brings it down, passes it to Bassong who runs with it before laying it off to Huddlestone, Defoe spots a window and makes a run, Huddlestone sees him and makes the pass and Defoe puts it away nicely.

“Right lads,” says Palacios, “let’s get one more Plasma before the police get here.”

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Niggers running everywhere, throwing things, complete waste of taxpayers money.

And I thought the Olympics was next year?

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Say what you like about North Londoners, but their efforts in doing the place up in order to make the Man City & Man United fans feel at home for the Charity Shield match today is wholly admirable.

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Inner City riots, King Kenny at Liverpool and a Tory Goverment making massive cuts..All we need now is The Specials at Number 1 for true 80′s revival.

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London police have released CCTV footage of the youths involved in the riots in Tottenham last night.

Anyone that recognises any of the teeth should call Crimestoppers immediately.

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Following the riots in Tottenham I think its important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists.

The vast majority are in fact drug dealers and rapists.

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I’m thinking about going to Tottenham/Enfield tomorrow to get a new tv but I can’t make my mind up where to buy it from.

The Red Lion or The Fox and Hounds?

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I see a couple of Police cars were wrecked during last nights riots in Tottenham.

Rather short-sighted of the black community, ruining 2 of their methods of public transport like that.

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An Aldi store was devastated by fire last night.

A spokesmen for the store said the extent of the damage could run into tens of pounds.

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The safest place to be in Tottenham this morning, is in the Spurs trophy cabinet.

There’s no chance of looters visiting there.

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When I saw all those niggers rioting on Tottenham high street I knew I had to find somewhere safe to hide where they wouldn’t go.

I’m still stuck in the job centre.

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Amy Winehouse Videos

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Amy Winehouse. In a failed attempt to help before she died, not even Gavin from Autoglass could fix her crack problem.

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Can all those waiting to make a joke about Amy Winehouse please form a line…

It’s what she would’ve wanted.

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Whats the difference between Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse?

Jeremy Clarkson is still on top gear.

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Two detectives are in Amy Winehouses flat. One says to the other “I’ve never heard of her, what was she famous for?”

The other copper replies “She was a very well known musician.”

The first detective looks around and says, “Ah, I see now. Let me guess, she played the spoons?”

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Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and a Moped?

A Moped can hit 30

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What do Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have a 10 year old crack addiction.

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Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends.

Imagine how they’ll feel on Thursday, when they finally come round and find out.

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News of Amy Winehouse’s death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn’t help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It’s such a blow. She really made a hash of things though. Her life just went to pot. Someone should have kept tabs on her.

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Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse’s funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.

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News: Amy Winehouse is found slightly more dead today, than yesterday.

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Alex Higgins and George Best are very, very, very happy….

They’ve just found out heaven’s getting a new Winehouse…

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What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit?

Her last one.

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I can’t believe she died at 27.

Poor girl didn’t even make it to an ounce.

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It seems that this is the end of the line for Ms. Winehouse.

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The metropolitan police have had a shocking week.

Luckily for them, the Camden drug statistics just lowered by 50%

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Unemployment in London has just hit a record high, after 6,000 drug dealers have just been put out of work.

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My dyslexic mate just text me “There’s been a death at an Army Warehouse somewhere in North London”

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Amy Winehouse was found dead, face down, in a pile of shit, piss and vomit….

Other people know it as Camden!

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Lets not all focus on the negatives that surround her death, lets focus on the good things she left us with.

Like a fucking chance at scoring some crack in London again.

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I suppose with a surname like Winehouse, it was inevitable that Amy would die because of drink.

I just hope that my son, Dave Beergarden, doesn’t go the same way.

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Keep hearing Amy Winehouse being described as a ‘Wasted talent’..

Fair enough ……. she was always wasted!

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After hearing the news of Amy Winehouse’s death, I could not be more upset…

I had her down for August in the sweepstakes.

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So Amy Winehouse is dead?

What a waste of breast implants!

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And another one sniffs the dust!

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In honour of Amy Winehouse, we shall all be doing 15 lines in the pub toilets, tonight!

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W.I.P Amy.

From your good friend Jonathon Ross. x

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What the fuck? Michael Jackson is dead?

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It must be shit to be Pete Doherty; all of your best friends dying in one day….

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Looks like theirs going to be an overdose on Amy Winehouse jokes today.Amy Winehouse found dead age 27.

Her family, friends, dealer and the owner of her local bargain booze are said to be totally distraught.

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Amy Winehouse has been found dead in her London flat.

Oh well, more heroin for the rest of us.

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They should’a made her go to rehab,
but now she’s,
Gone. Gone. Gone.

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Enjoy!

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I wish Qaddafi would hurry up and get shot dead. I’m getting bored of Bin Laden jokes..

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BBC News : “Gaddafi ‘Not Targeted’ By US Strikes”

So we can safely assume that he’ll be dead within days.

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It’s nice to see that, with the money he’s saved up,

 

David Cameron has treated himself to a war.

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Apparently, Colonel Gaddafi’s gone into hiding and has surrounded himself with forty virgins.
Well, at least we know he isn’t hiding in Newcastle.

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Gaddafi warns of a second Vietnam if foreign powers intervene in the Libyan conflict.

Yeay! Full Metal Jacket sequel!

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Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal before Gaddafi could even get a word in.

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Sky news -

‘US: Gaddafi ‘Delusional And Unfit To Lead’

That’s rich, coming from a country which put George Bush in charge…

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A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son,”I’m sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please d on’t tell your mother.”

The young man again brought three more names to his father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. ”Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn’t tell you.”

His mother smiling said to him, ”Don’t worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You’re not his son”

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Osama bin Laden jokes – his horrible cult deserve everything they get – now let’s rid the world of the rest of Osama bin Laden!

And some photographic proof that Osama bin Laden is actually buried at sea:

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Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head.

What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?!

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It’s very quiet and there’s a lot of flags flying half-mast here in Bradford this morning.  What’s going on? — I can’t help but feel that flying a 747 packed full of Paki’s into Bin Laden’s villa would have been a much more satisfying conclusion to it all. — Thank God Bin Laden’s dead. I was getting sick of the royal wedding. — Osama 2,967 – USA 1 I see this very much as a consolation goal — Dear Al-Qaeda, Taliban, Prophet Mohammed, Islam and 1.8 billion Muslim people the world over. Please note: The Americans did it! — Bad news everyone. Now that Osama Bin Laden is dead, we have all moved up one place in the USA’s most wanted list. — “9/11 organiser dead”. Nonsense, I’ve never seen George W. Bush looking healthier. — So Osama Bin Laden is dead! What a momentous day! 2/5/2011 Wait a minute… 2+5+2=9. And it’s the year 2011. 9/11! I should be a conspiracy theorist. — Prince Harry reported missing after a secret fancy dress party somewhere in Pakistan… — So then, the Americans have the right idea. If you kill everybody in the middle east, one of them is BOUND to be Bin Laden… — Bin laden is dead! Killed by a stray shot from Emile Heskey! Woohoo! — Osama Bin Laden & Henry Cooper. Both have been on their knees looking up to Muhammad. — News: Osama Bin Laden Dead He took his own life rather than watch a 4th day of Royal Wedding highlights! — Tonight there are 72 virgins saying, “Oh, hell no!”

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1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say “could be better” this will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is say you say “you better be”. Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then, when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words @#%$ you, and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it’s going to be really special. Then, take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then, drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because i can.”

9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her your jacket… then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now you’re going to be bitching about a black eye”. The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn’t girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball or waterpolo.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she’ll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say “no she’s not hungry”. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one to the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what i’m talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say no it’s just the rain. Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i’ve already stated.

22. Titty twisters, and plenty of them.

23. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday but don’t get her something. Teach her material objects aren’t important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
she’s coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one
that much, but I think it’s funny.

26. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will
make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you’re
going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Don’t
call.

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