Tim Wade's Blog

Good morning/afternoon/evening,

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to friends and family, but it is difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress , non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that the United Kingdom is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, please be advised that you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable on the proviso that there is no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards ( without prejudice )

Name withheld ( Privacy Act )

Share on Facebook

Pat Condell speaks about the London Riots 2011, UK – Godless Comedy. If there is one thing I love about Pat Condell, it’s his “I don’t give a toss” attitude to speaking the truth, with total ridicule of any government/organisation he’s taking the piss out of. Totally dry, totally sarcastic. Excellent.

Check out his lastest video on the London riots of 2011 in the UK:

You can keep up to date with Pat Condell’s Blog and his “humour” on his blog
!

Share on Facebook

David Cameron – Idiot that gave Pakistan £650 million in education aid:

“Mr Speaker, let me turn next to Pakistan. The fact that… bin Laden was living in a large house in a populated area suggests that he must have had a support network in Pakistan”

Fucking really? Muppet!

Share on Facebook

As survivors of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami grappled with the enormity of the devastation, more footage emerged on Sunday showing the moment the tsunami struck Japan’s northeast coast. Residents of the port town of Kamaishi in Iwate prefecture watched in horror as the first huge tsunami waves hit, sweeping away cars and buildings. One group managed to scramble to safety on higher ground, where they watched as the water surged towards them. Others were stranded on the roof of a multi-storey building as the water level rose rapidly below:

Share on Facebook

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. 

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain”: Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and”Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on small countries and all their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Australia will come end rescue us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be all right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final two escalation levels .

Share on Facebook

Share on Facebook

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Govermentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Share on Facebook

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.  

IF YOU CROSS THE THAI BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED AFTER A SPELL IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.

IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY; YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENCE, SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD, MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.
Good day and welcome to a brand new edition of  . .

‘ASYLUM’.
Today’s program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer..
And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don’t already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
‘ASYLUM’
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Euro star.

No application ever refused – reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers
and remember the magic password:
‘ASYLUM’
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local  law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel…  They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ……
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don’t understand the rules, don’t forget, there’s no need to phone a friend or ask the audience . .. .
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors
are waiting to help – for FREE !
It won’t cost you a penny.
And . .. .
It could change your life forever.
So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas…the list is endless
EVERYONE IS WELCOME -  INCLUDING
ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !

Get along to the airport !
Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal !
Don’t stop in Germany or France !
All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
****  GUARANTEED  ****
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners
in the easiest game on earth..
Everyone’s a winner,
when they play
‘ASYLUM’  

PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW ! 

Share on Facebook

This is too true to be funny.

The  next time you hear a politician use the
Word ‘billion’ in a casual  manner, think about
Whether you want the ‘politicians’  spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to  comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting  that figure into some perspective in
One of it’s  releases.

A.
A  billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A  billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A  billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone  Age.

D.
A  billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A  billion Pounds ago was only
13 hours and 12 minutes,
At  the rate our government
Is spending it.

Building  Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Value Added Tax
Corporate  Income Tax
Income Tax
Fishing License  Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Petrol/Diesel  Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory  Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage  License Tax
Property Tax
Stamp Duty Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road  Tax 
   Local  Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales  Tax 
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL  THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not  one of these taxes existed 100 years ago…
And our nation was one of the most  prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national  debt…
We had the largest middle class in the world…
And  Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What  happened?
Can you spell ‘politicians!’

I  hope this goes around the
UK
At least  100 times

What  the hell happened?????
Gordon Brown !!!

Share on Facebook

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

“And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993″!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL  FRIENDS  & RELATIONS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos…
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on a Sunday, somehow we didn’t starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time…

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn’t need to keep up with the Jones’s!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren’t concentrating .
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R’s education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’ and ‘Blade’ and ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Share on Facebook